Your definition of forgiveness determines whether or not you are willing to forgive. If you believe forgiveness means you approve or accept the behavior that hurt you, you will not forgive. If it means you have to forget, you may not be able to forgive. However, if you believe forgiveness is necessary for you to move beyond your pain and anger, you are more likely to forgive. Take a moment to think about what forgiveness means to you.

Forgiveness really means:
• I am no longer willing to compromise my happiness or my life.
• I no longer want revenge or to get even with someone.
• I am no longer willing to continue living a limited life because of something in my past or someone else’s actions.
• I no longer hold grudges or harbor resentments.
• I am responsible for my life.
• I am in control of my life.
• I live in peace with what is now and what has already happened.

Forgiveness does NOT mean:
• Giving in – you are not agreeing to allow it to happen again.
• You approve or accept the actions or behavior.
• You are justifying or making excuses for the behavior.
• You have to trust the person.
• You are letting him or her off the hook.
• You have to forget what happened.
• You have to reconcile.
• The person does not need to pay the consequences for their actions.
• The person has to apologize to you in order for you to forgive.
• You have to talk to the other person.

That’s right – you do not have to talk to the other person. Your ability to forgive is NOT dependent upon another person. You can forgive someone and never speak to them again.

Forgiveness is all about YOU. The power is in your hands, your heart and your mind’s definition of forgiveness.

Dr. Lorri

“I encountered a pleasant surprise when I settled into Agape, my favorite place of worship, this past Sunday. Byron Katie was the guest speaker. She’s known worldwide for her program “The Work.”

One of her quotes hit me between the eyes. “When you argue with reality, the suffering begins.” Oh my gosh, how true that is!

When I look back on my life, the most painful moments I endured were always when I was fighting “what is.” On the job, in my marriages and even when I was stuck in traffic jam! The thoughts and beliefs I had were all generated from my victim-mode perspective.

Thanks to the forgiveness work I’ve done, my world has shifted dramatically. I now accept “what is,” learn the lessons from each encounter with reality and understand that nothing happens to me and everything happens for me.
June Bartley – Jan’s Mom

This new paradigm served me well when I recently experienced my mother’s end-of-life journey. When I accepted the reality that she was dying, I was able to focus on being present with her in a most profound way. I treasured each and every moment we shared in the last few months of her life, which brought me great joy and comfort. This was true even in the instant when my brother called to tell me that our mother just died.

If accepting reality can make the dying process easier, imagine what it can do for everyday life. Reality isn’t “good or bad,” it just is. Thanks for the reminder, Byron.”

And thanks for your words of Truth Jan.

Grieving is perfectly natural and a major key to complete healing. How can you be one of those beautiful people who is available to support a loved one in their grieving process?

1. You first! If you find that you can’t stand to watch a loved one’s grieving process, this is because you are not feeling separate from this person’s emotions. Ask yourself if you have some deep sadness or grief you need to release. Acknowledge and allow your leftover feelings of grief, loss, pain or rage from a past experience.

2. Provide a safe place for your loved one to express the entire spectrum of emotions that naturally happen with any betrayal or loss. We cannot heal as deeply or move on as completely if the feelings and emotions are not acknowledged and allowed. This does not mean to stay stuck in the same emotions, but to move through them.

3. There is nothing you have “to do” to help the person grieving. Just be a loving presence, honor their feelings/emotions and be separate from their pain. It is NOT about YOU – it’s all about the other person.

4. Allow them to tell the story of their loss and acknowledge all the associated emotions. Give the gift of allowing their anger, grief, sadness or ANY emotions present around this event. Simply allow the emotions. Do not comment, judge or involve yourself in their journey. Be present, yet separate and in the present moment for your loved one.

5. If appropriate, encourage them to experience the feelings that are present in their physical body. This is also where we store unexpressed and unprocessed emotions.

6. Once the emotions are expressed completely, they no longer hold the same power. Feeling the emotions allows their release. Support them in the complete release of the emotions and feelings in order to move on with life. It is much easier to complete this step with your support. Supporting someone in grief is a true gift of love.

Sandra Bullock demonstrated the power of healing through grieving when she appeared on the MTV Movie Awards. This was her first public appearance since she split up from her unfaithful husband a few months ago. The newly single mom exuded radiance, humor and hope when she kissed Scarlett Johansson and then insisted, “Now that we’ve done that, can we just get back to normal?”

Yes Sandra, we can … with a little help from our loving friends.

So how did Sandra reconcile becoming an instant mom and suddenly losing her marriage? She poignantly answered that question in a People Magazine exclusive saying: “These beautiful people in my life made sure I had the safety to grieve and feel everything I needed to, away from the outside world.”

Sandra is not only a talented actress, she is a wise soul. Whenever you are blindsided by any event in your life, be it infidelity, incest, job loss or death – it is important to surround yourself with a safety net of loved ones who will let you feel everything you need to feel. You cannot heal and move on if you don’t completely process your feelings and emotions. The more quickly you can express the depth of your feelings the faster you will be able to recover. Sandra is a prime example of that universal truth. She had the wisdom, courage and clarity to grieve and feel everything she needed to feel.

In my next blog I’ll tell you how you can support a loved one who is going through the grieving process. It’s an important skill that is rarely talked about, let alone taught – and is essential for physical health and personal growth.

Dr. Sue Morter

Show up.
Pay attention.
Tell the truth.
Let go.

Show up completely to life, pay attention to what has heart and meaning for you, speak your truth about what matters most and let go of the outcome.

Sometimes life isn’t easy. A very close friend of mine left today to visit her mother in the hospital. She is acutely aware these may be the last days in her mother’s life. I shared Dr. Sue’s concepts with her, and after our discussion she decided that even in the midst of her grief and loss, she will show up completely and be with her mother. She will pay attention to her own heart and make decisions in a way that have meaning for them both. She will speak her truth to her mother, the doctors and family members regarding what matters most in this situation. And she will let go of the outcome.

May this conversation and the guidelines to support you through difficult times lighten your load as it did for my precious friend.

Sharing what I love…
Lorri

What a striking difference from the emphatic denials by former President Bill Clinton and Senator John Edwards when initial rumors about their extra-marital affairs were reported.

It is refreshing to hear someone with superstar status admit to human indiscretions. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Until we learn the lesson behind those mistakes, we continue to make bigger and bigger errors until the universe bonks us in the head. That’s why I encourage each and every one of you to look for the lesson in any difficult event that you experience. It could be you something you did or that happened to you. Whatever it is, the chaos ends and healing begins when you look for the lesson. This is one of the most powerful steps of the forgiveness process: learn the lesson.

Later in his press briefing Tiger shared : “ I once heard, and I believe it’s true, it’s not what you achieve in life that matters; it’s what you overcome.” Well Tiger, I would like to add that when you learn the lesson(s) from what you have overcome, integrate those lessons into a new belief system, you not only change your life and the lives of those around you, you affect the world, as well.

Tiger, like all of us, has the opportunity to turn a painful experience into a powerful, teachable moment.

My most traumatic experiences have brought the deepest healing and most powerful lessons to me.

I say to Tiger and to each of you reading this blog, you are powerful beyond measure and have the ability to change your life. This is my hope for you. Today, tomorrow and always.

Telling the truth requires complete honesty by listening to what I call your Gut Feeling Guidance System or GFGS. This is the physical feeling in your body when you are expected to add one more priority on your impossible-to-complete list for today. Your GFGS is the sense you have when something doesn’t feel right or bothers you. This includes the physical tightening in your throat or tension in your shoulders, the beginning of a headache or nausea. This is your body’s way of communicating and giving you feedback. Your GFGS will also communicate when the answer is yes through happiness, openness and feeling inspired.

Jenny Sanford, the soon-to-be ex-wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, revealed that he insisted on removing the clause to be faithful from their wedding vows before they got married. He just said no to fidelity.

Why did Jenny say yes and marry him anyway? She told Barbara Walters: “It bothered me to some extent, but … we were very young, we were in love. I questioned it, but I got past it … along with other doubts that I had.”

Have you ever ignored something like Jenny Sanford did? Did you say yes when your gut feeling was to say no? Let’s look at why you may be compelled to say yes.

Are you afraid people won’t like you if you say no? Will people be disappointed or angry with you? Is there an inner belief that you must put other peoples’ wants and needs ahead of your own? Are you afraid to appear selfish? Are you stuck in the role of martyr? Are you a compulsive people pleaser?

Consider trying this for yourself. Just say “Let me get back to you.” You can even write this on a card and carry it with you as a reminder. Practice saying this to yourself on a daily basis. The next time a loved one, boss or neighbor asks you for something simply say “Let me get back to you.” It could be something as small as baking cupcakes or something as big as a calling off a wedding. Whatever it is, this will give you time to evaluate whether or not you want to accommodate the other person’s request. If you do, you can say yes. If you don’t, just say no. Tell them “I can’t accommodate your request at this time” or “This doesn’t work for me right now.” No further explanation is necessary.

Please leave a reply and let me know your thoughts and ideas. I look forward to hearing from you.

Dr. Lorri

Gratitude, forgiveness and love are the three most powerful feelings I know.

When I started to focus on the feeling of gratitude, even when I was not feeling grateful, I noticed changes in my life.

First, I noticed that choosing to be in gratitude and focus on all that I have to be grateful for makes everything in life look better. Choosing to focus on the positive of gratitude, even when I do not feel positive, has been transforming for me.

Years ago I decided that when I first woke up in the morning I would turn my thoughts to what I am grateful for, instead of what I have to do in the day ahead of me. Before that, I would wake up and go to “problem solving” in my day, sometimes for problems that did not even exist! Using the power of my mind and focusing my energy on the possible negative did not serve me in creating the life I desired.

One day, much to my surprise, after consistently focusing on gratitude in the morning – I WOKE UP IN GRATITUDE and found that I did not have to guide my mind and feelings to gratitude, I was naturally in gratitude. I love waking up in gratitude. It expands my heart and and increases my feelings of freedom, peace and happiness.

At this very moment, I am grateful for you! I thank you taking time to read this blog. And I’d like to gently offer you a suggestion…

Try doing this for Yourself:
1. Focus on the feeling of gratitude
2. Remember a time when you felt deeply, to-the-point-of-tears grateful.
3. Allow the feeling to increase and expand throughout your body, in and out of all of your cells.
4. From the space of gratitude, focus your thoughts and feelings into what you are currently grateful for in your life. When you are allowing gratitude, you also raise your vibrational energy and emotional feelings.
5. Return to these thoughts and feelings as often as possible during the day. The more you return, the easier it is to immediately experience the feeling of gratitude.
6. When you wake up every morning – focus on gratitude before you start your day.
7. Focus on gratitude for the magnificence of the day ahead of you and the life lessons you have learned.

Enjoy the bliss, daily!

With gratitude for you, especially at this time of Thanksgiving!

Dr. Lorri

We all have ignored the messages our body sends to us. And in case you haven’t noticed, the longer you neglect the messages … the stronger they become. The occasional, general tiredness escalates into that chronic deep bone weariness, or the stomach ache becomes stronger and spreads down into your intestinal tract. The longer you ignore these messages, the less you time you’ll have until the ultimate wakeup call comes knocking at your door.

Now if you are 25, you may not relate ….. yet. Just wait, you will eventually come to understand. And if you are over 45, you probably are saying: “I just can’t seem to get away with the same things anymore.” Your body is a messenger. And your mind is a powerful force. But when you play the “mind over matter game,” your body will always win. It does not have an agenda, and is not trying to manipulate you. It is like a computer … garbage in … garbage out. Fortunately the opposite is also true, good stuff in … good stuff out.

In all the years I have supported, treated and coached people in healing their bodies and their lives, one thing I have discovered over and over again is that your body does not lie. You may not like what it is saying … and you may not understand what it is telling you …. but it is telling you something, for good reason. Your body was designed to survive, and will do whatever it takes to help you survive.

OK, so what’s the point? Recently I have been coaching a friend who is suffering from bone aching exhaustion, symptoms of depression, and a loss of passion for life. I can relate to her because I remember when I was experiencing the same deep bone weary tiredness.

How about you? Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired?

Five years ago, my answer to that question was a resounding “yes!” I was perpetually tired and lab tests showed that my adrenals had been under way too much stress for way too long. The laboratory results revealed that I was suffering from Adrenal Failure!

I had been ignoring my body’s message to get more rest for years. And it finally caught up with me. I was forced to change my lifestyle. I had to reduce the stress, increase my hours of sleep, decrease my exercise and increase my carbohydrate intake. Horror of horrors! I thought I was helping myself with these time honored traditions. Exercise more and reduce carbohydrate intake. While this may work for most people … it was making me feel worse. My intensive exercise regimen was causing my adrenals to work harder and become depleted more quickly! My lower carbohydrate intake was not providing the carbs I needed for energy and my adrenals were unable to restore properly.

In hindsight I now recognize that I pushed myself to the state of exhaustion by ignoring the constant, pleading messages from my body. I refused to accept the fact that I was tired and needed more sleep – after all, I had a lot of work to get done! My body started to communicate louder and louder, and suddenly my caffeine fix wasn’t working anymore and I became “bone tired.”

I don’t want this to happen to you!! Believe me when I say the recovery process takes a very long time. So I ask you to do this for yourself: LISTEN TO YOUR BODY! It is your ally; it is on your side and needs to be heard. Your body is communicating to you in the only way it knows how. Through your physical symptoms and feelings.

Listen compassionately and you will have a more compatible relationship with your body. It’s time to stop the battle between what your mind thinks vs. what your body needs.

Your body will continue to patiently communicate for your survival and your ultimate well-being! Shhh, be quiet for a moment. Do you hear someone knocking?

Dr. Lorri

Park City, UT

When I choose to focus on what I have to be grateful for, I find that I have more and more to be grateful for.  Not surprisingly, when I choose to focus on what is not working…yes, I get more of what is not working.  Have you ever had a day that starts with losing your car keys or oversleeping the alarm?  The difference between getting  into the fight or flight mode instead of your comfortable routine mode completely changes your energy and your thought process.  Then, have you ever noticed that the rest of the day seems to follow your thoughts?  If your mind is thinking of how mad  you are at yourself  for oversleeping or not filling your car with gas yesterday; being irritated at the person at the light in front of you taking a year to step on the gas pedal, or horror of horror – they are talking on their cell phone and not paying attention.  This happens to all of us, no matter how “aware” we are .  Observe, gently and without judgement, the conversation and thoughts in your head.  

Here is where the choice comes in.  You can choose to focus on the slow car in front of you, or you can choose to focus on …. well, really on ANYTHING POSITIVE!  Even if it happened last year.  The focus of your thoughts will change how you feel – grateful or happy instead of frustrated or angry.  Your thoughts will change your actions, which will in turn shift your results, and how you feel about what is in front of you.  

Where I choose to focus my attention makes a huge difference in my life. 

This does not mean that you pretend that you did not lose your job or your keys.  This means to practice changing your attitude or approach regarding situations or how you view them.  Asking “What is in this for me?”  or “What do I have to learn from this?” shifts from victim to empowered co-creator.

 Choose your focus for the day  …  THE feeling you would love to experience in your life, make sure this is a feeling that only involves you.  For example, let’s say you would like to feel more loved in your life.  Focus on feeling more loved by you, and you will create the feeling of more love in your life, without needing to depend on others to create your feeling of love.  It all starts with your focused attention, and you are the only one you can control!  Look for evidence that you are choosing love or joy and allow the flow to you!

My choices create my life.

The more we practice choosing what we intend to have, the easier it is.

What are you choosing today?

with Joy and Love,

Dr. Lorri